I am sorry it has been awhile since I last wrote a blog post. Blogging is something that I love to do, but just because you love something doesn’t mean it comes naturally. I have been really thinking about something to post but I find it hard to post when I’m going through struggles, as I was praying that I would have something positive to post about the Lord told me that I should just be honest and post about my struggles.
So here goes…
The past couple of weeks I have been sinking deeper and deeper into depression…
At first I brushed it off because it is at the time of year that everyone in Alaska gets depressed due to the lack of sun and summer happiness.
But as time has continued I’ve realized the root of the issue… I’m still grieving the death of my Dad. “Really?” you might ask, “It’s almost been three years right?” Yes, that’s correct… On August 2nd it will be three years since the rug that I call life was ripped out from under my feet and I was left wondering “what the heck just happened?”
Grief… We tend to shy away from any mention of grief, we don’t know how to handle a grieving person, we don’t know what to say, how to act, how to comfort them or how to love them while they are grieving. So we just don’t talk about it much…
Everyone handles grief differently, some of us go through the steps of grief quickly well others only go through a step at a time, and each step can take years to overcome… I happen to be dealing with my grief a whole other way…
I focus on something in my life and I throw myself into it, heart, mind, soul and body. Every piece of me I give away. It’s not healthy, I know. But if I don’t focus on something and give it my all I’ll remember, and the memories are all to painful.
Finding the balance is hard…
These past few weeks the memories hit, it all started when I was listening to the radio and a One Direction song came on.
Back story time * I used to be a huge One Direction fan and my Dad knew that, there was one night when he woke me up (in the middle of the night) just so we could listen to their new music that he downloaded for me. 🙂
When the song came on the radio I remember the way he was so excited that he was able to get their new music for me! It was one of the sweetest things any one has ever done for me, because he didn’t just put up with my stupid teenage fangirling, but he supported me and encouraged me in it. (Can anyone say BEST DAD EVER!!)
I remember watching the Northern Lights together, taking drives, laughing at his silly stories, and listening to his rock music (didn’t really care for Nickleback much back then but now their music holds a special place in my heart when I think of him dancing to their music. :).
I regret so much, I regret that I didn’t dance with him more, that I didn’t tell him I loved him the day he died, or that I didn’t open up more with him.
Yesterday I was so emotionally drained from fighting the memories, fighting the pain that I laid in bed until late afternoon and just cried… Memories flooded me! It was like I was dreaming, a dream of memories. I felt so raw and open. But as painful as it was I feel blessed…
I feel blessed that the Lord knows exactly what I need and when I need it. I was forgetting my Dad, what he taught me, the sound of his voice, or how it felt to hold his hand.
I feel vulnerable, like if you touch me I might break down in sobs. The memories are fresh in my mind, like they happened yesterday. That feeling will pass in time and then I’ll start to forget and will be in need of a reminder from the Lord.
For now I will remain thankful for the Lord, for reminding me of the gift of memories, and for showing me to ask for help more often when I’m struggling. ❤
If any of you are grieving in any way I’d love to meet for coffee and be a listening ear!
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”